Talking to a parent about accepting help may be one of the more challenging tasks in your caregiving journey. You might recognize signs that it is time for care and suggest they get help through a home care agency, move to assisted living, or accept more help at home from you. A parent who refuses help may be resistant because they feel like they’re losing control and their independence. After the initial refusal, it’s time to regroup and strategize for continued talks about getting your parent the help they need. Here we break down tips for talking with your parent who is refusing help.
Prepare yourself emotionally
You have noticed a change in your parent’s capabilities or ability to be safely independent. That in itself can create tough emotions to handle. Then, talking to them about getting help didn’t go as planned, bringing another set of difficult feelings. Before you strike up the conversation again, emotional preparation may be the most important step you take. If you don’t regulate your emotions, your message is unlikely to have a positive effect, no matter how convincing. Here are some tips on how to prepare:
- Undoubtedly, during discussions, you will feel your pulse quicken, your blood pressure rise, and your breathing become shallow. You can control all of these responses: Try to stay calm before and during the conversation by taking deep breaths, relaxing your body, and thinking calm thoughts.
- Don’t be attached to the outcome. If you go into discussions expecting to convince your parent to accept help, you may close the possibility of reaching a different agreement or compromise. You will likely become angry and frustrated all over again, which is unhelpful in reaching a solution.
- Consider having another family member or respected professional intervene if you are not the best person to continue these discussions. You can also ask another family member to be present during conversations with your parent for additional emotional support and perspective.
Always show respect
This is an emotional time for everyone, and it’s important to remain respectful. The parent-child dynamic is in flux at these points of life: Though the parent and adult child biologically hold the same roles, the responsibilities and abilities shift, and the child begins to care for the parent more than the parent for the child. This is natural, but it isn’t an easy adjustment — for the adult child or the parent. Also, coping with changes in health and ability can be depressing and overwhelming. Remaining respectful of your parent at this juncture is key. If it’s not easy for you, it isn’t easy for them.
Here are some ways you can show respect:
- Let your parent speak without interrupting. As hard as this can be, this shows you respect their time to speak. Resist the urge to jump in and make corrections regardless of how outlandish you may feel their reasoning is.
- Really listen to what your parent says when they speak. Sometimes, people say more than just the words that they speak. If a parent says, “I don’t want help taking a shower. I barely break a sweat anymore, so I don’t need a shower every day,” they may be telling their child more than just that: They may feel shame about needing help with a task that was easy for many years, or they may be embarrassed that someone will see them in the shower. But this statement has more messages: They aren’t very active, which is important in late adulthood. And they’re ignoring basic hygiene because of embarrassment. This could lead to self-neglect and worsen their situation. If you can get to the root of why they’re resistant, in this case, their shame and embarrassment, you can more easily solve the issue: They can turn shame of decreased independence into pride in getting assistance for proper hygiene. They can also learn that shower assistance from a home care provider can preserve privacy and dignity because of the professional caregiver’s training.
- Avoid making demands. Try not to tell your parent what they “need” to do. Take a collaborative approach by making suggestions or asking how they would solve a particular problem or concern. Work together as a team to reach an agreement.
- Use your words wisely. Use language that expresses empathy while acknowledging your parent’s need for independence. Avoid condescending and demeaning language.
Be honest about your concerns
It can be tricky to talk about your concerns, especially if your parent refuses help or doesn’t accept that there is a problem. However, it is important to gently describe what you notice, such as if your parent isn’t keeping up with household duties, has mobility problems, or can’t dress, bathe, take medications correctly, or comply with medical directives. Here are a few other tips for discussing concerns:
- Stick to facts as much as possible. Facts are hard to argue with and can keep the conversation on track and away from grayer areas of emotions and opinions.
- Focus on safety. Talk about your concerns regarding safety and your desire to help your parent remain at home if possible.
- Make suggestions that solve current issues. Consider solutions to specific problems and express those if the time seems right. For example, bringing in help with some light housekeeping may show your parent that accepting more help could make their life easier.
- Help your parent understand the possible consequences of avoiding help. Be honest that you and the rest of your family are worried about their safety and well-being and that you want the best for them.
Offer choices and negotiate
If you go into a discussion expecting to get your way, you may make no progress and worsen the situation. Here are some ideas on how to make progress, regardless of how small:
- Be willing to compromise. By agreeing to something you may not view as having much value, you open the door to future progress. Make a list of nonnegotiables that you need. If you can agree upon those, you can compromise on how to get there. If “Mom needs to eat enough” is one nonnegotiable, you can figure out whether the best solution is to get a meal delivery service or meal preparation through a home care agency, to stock her fridge with heat-and-eat meals, or to have her move to assisted living to get enough nutritional support. Remember that when you compromise, you may be asked to take on some of the common family caregiver duties if you haven’t already. Talk with your parent about what this means for your schedule so you can create a solution that is fair for everyone.
- Make some suggestions, but always frame them as choices. People who have choices feel respected and empowered to make better decisions.
- Start with suggesting help at home. Most seniors want to age in place, so home care can be a good starting point to keep them safe and healthy. Explain how home care can be a step toward more independence by allowing them to stay where they are and ensuring they are safe.
- Discuss the other options beyond home care. Discussing assisted living can also be challenging, but if the conversation has come to that point, it likely means that home care may be insufficient. Many older adults have a distorted view of assisted living and equate it with nursing home care, but they are quite different. If possible, schedule lunch at an assisted living so they can better understand how an assisted living community works and learn the benefits of this type of senior care community.
- Suggest a trial period of home care. Give your parent the right to refuse more help after the trial period. This offer can be risky, so you must consider whether it is worth your parent refusing help after the trial period. It’s possible, however, that your parent will see the benefits of home care after receiving the assistance.
Accept your parent’s decision
Accepting bad or unsafe decisions is extremely hard, but when you have tried everything, it may be time to step back. People have the right to make their own decisions, even if you can see the risks of refusing help with personal or household tasks.
The reality of your parent refusing help may mean a medical event or emergency that will dictate care in the future. However, there is also another option besides that worst-case scenario, which is that over time, your parent may understand that it is in their best interest to accept help.
When your parent refuses help
When your parent refuses help, it puts pressure on you and your siblings to do what you can to keep them safe without the support you need. Keeping the lines of communication open and being empathetic will lay the groundwork for eventual progress. With the right frame of mind and by following these tips to stay civil and honest, you can ensure that the conversation is as productive as possible and keep the door open for the best outcome for everyone involved.
