Caring for an aging parent is a stressor that can cause family disputes and put strain on sibling relationships. Differing opinions might bring about heated conversations, especially when discussing how to pay for senior care. Here are some tactics to help settle family disputes about caring for an aging parent. As long as you put your parent’s needs at the forefront and remain logical and civil, you can all rally around their health and well-being.
Deescalate the family dispute by focusing on the common goal
When tensions rise, it’s important to put the situation back into context. Remember that you’re having a family dispute because you share the common sentiment that your parent’s safety, health, and comfort are priorities. If you don’t feel as if you’re agreeing on much at the moment, that’s a great place to start.
If there are any major disagreements about your parents’ care, revert to this mantra individually and as a group while considering your parents’ future wishes. Keeping their safety, health, comfort, and wishes at the forefront of all decisions should help focus the family on the best next steps. Caring for an aging parent and witnessing their health decline are emotional pain points for everyone, which can easily lead to family disputes. Remembering the priority of your parent’s care can help filter out any emotions that don’t serve your parent so they can receive the care they need and want.
Focus on the facts
If your loved one’s health has changed, or if they are no longer thriving in their current situation, foster productive conversation between siblings by taking an objective approach and looking only at the facts. For example, the fact that Mom has fallen three times this month and hasn’t left the house in four weeks is more fact-based than that Mom seems sad and not as productive. Encourage one another to discuss the situation with facts, leaving emotions and assumptions out of the conversation.
Acknowledge the relationship dynamics among siblings
If you are heading toward or in the middle of a difficult conversation about your parent’s future, acknowledge your relationship with your siblings. Some families are close while others are not, and both are okay. You don’t need to be best friends to make the best decisions about your aging parent’s care.
In fact, it can be helpful to acknowledge that you don’t share the same values as your older brother or that your younger sister is closer to and communicates better with him than you. Understanding these family dynamics can help you adjust your approach to difficult conversations. In this example, could your younger sister act as a liason to make communication more effective?
Keep the major decisions among siblings
In most cases, siblings should work together and not bring in in-laws for major decisions. While it’s helpful to talk about the situation with your partner, they don’t necessarily need to be a part of family meetings. Bringing in more voices and opinions can make a difficult conversation more fraught.
Avoid gossiping about siblings to each other
Keep gossip and bad-talking to a minimum. Rattling off negative opinions about your brother to your sister via text is not a good idea, even if your sister is your go-to person for such talk. Everyone handles conflict differently, and the situation is even more stressful when it revolves around caring for an aging parent. Adding fuel to the fire by gossiping will ultimately increase tension and family disputes, which is counterproductive to your parent’s needs. Manage your words and gossip within the family carefully to ensure everyone remains civil and focused on what matters most.
Discuss estate planning
A health crisis or major decision can throw everyone under stress, which is not ideal for making a confident decision or having a productive conversation. Knowing your parent’s wishes beforehand can prevent family disputes over how to handle a crisis or care decision. When possible, begin family conversations about estate planning, advance directives, and power of attorney designations long before a health crisis occurs. Ideally, everyone in the immediate family will understand your parent’s wishes and who has been designated as the decision-makers in case your aging parents can no longer do so.
AARP recommends choosing power of attorney carefully, and not just based on birth order. For example, the oldest child might not be the best choice for health care support and advocacy if they live far away and cannot keep up with regular doctor visits or be available in an emergency. Don’t take any designations personally, as your parents are not choosing based on favorites but on their preferences paired with the availability of the family.
The most important thing is for all siblings to understand the wishes of their aging parents. This conversation can be difficult to start over a family dinner, but everyone must hear the same message from the parent at the same time. Ensure all siblings are in the same room or on the same phone call for the conversation when possible. It’s also wise to bring up the topic every three to five years or when the parent’s health situation changes.
Consider family counseling to help and prevent family disputes
If your family members are up to it, consider making a few appointments for family therapy with an experienced professional who works with adult children struggling with caring for aging parents. A few counseling sessions won’t necessarily solve your interpersonal relationships, but you can work together to develop boundaries and guidelines for discussions and decisions. Counseling can be very helpful for getting everyone on the same page. Afterward, you can continue group or individual sessions if you want to keep working on your relationships.
Get expert advice from doctors
Sometimes, when the family cannot agree, it is best to get expert recommendations. Make an appointment to speak with your loved one’s physician in person or via video chat to get them to explain your parent’s current condition, prognosis, concerns, and advice for moving forward. Physicians are there to advocate for their patients, so they will have your loved one’s best interests at heart.
Give yourself — and your siblings — a break
You and your siblings will need rest and grace to care for an aging parent and make all the decisions that come with it. When possible, give everyone time to think about big decisions or to recuperate after a challenging conversation. Rest for a few hours or overnight before returning to the topic. You’ll be amazed at what a few-hour pause can do for perspective and willingness to compromise.
Sibling relationships are complex, and caring for an aging parent can add to the challenge. With multiple people making major life decisions, conversations can get heated and become arguments. These tips for settling family disputes can make difficult decisions a bit easier and help ensure your parent receives the care they need without putting too much strain on family dynamics.
