Discussing your parent’s final wishes is a sensitive yet necessary conversation. Talking about their preferences ensures that their choices are clear and honored, which can bring invaluable peace of mind to everyone. Still, this can be a challenging topic to approach. We offer tips and guidance on how to prepare for and approach this delicate conversation.
Preparing for a conversation about final wishes
Navigating a conversation about final wishes can seem daunting and overwhelming. You may find yourself asking, “Where do I start? How should I go about this?”
Preparing for the conversation can make you feel more comfortable and confident about discussing this delicate topic with your parent. Here are some helpful pointers to organize your approach and help you lead this conversation successfully.
Mental preparation
It can help to begin by mentally preparing for the topic so that you can have a clear, productive conversation with your parent.
Acknowledge your own emotions
Start by acknowledging the emotions that may arise. Validate your own feelings: This is a heavy topic, and difficult feelings are likely to come up. You may feel nervous, scared, or uncertain. Are thoughts about your own final wishes bringing up fear and sadness? Does this conversation make the reality of losing your parent feel closer?
Allow yourself to experience and process these emotions with compassion and without self-judgment. It’s perfectly normal to feel this way when approaching such a deeply personal topic.
Lead with empathy
As you plan for this conversation, remember to approach your parent with love and patience. Keep in mind that this topic is likely just as difficult and uncomfortable for them as it is for you. Be prepared for the fact that they may resist, become defensive, or even avoid the conversation altogether. If that happens, continue to show your love and support. Take a break, give them some space, and revisit the subject at another time if needed.
Be prepared for the discussion to unfold in unexpected ways. It’s possible they have already made arrangements without telling you, or alternatively, they may not have given the topic any thought at all. Remember that this discussion is about honoring their wishes. Keep a flexible mindset to demonstrate your empathy and understanding of their needs.
Practical preparation
Once you have mentally and emotionally prepared yourself for what may be a difficult conversation, you can take some practical steps to ensure you collect all the information you need.
Gather essential documents
Before meeting with your parent to discuss their final wishes, gather any necessary documents or materials you have access to that might help guide the conversation. These could include will details, burial plans, financial accounts, or life insurance policies.
Create a checklist of questions you have and any information you need to get. This list will help you guide the discussion with clarity, ask relevant questions, and identify any areas that may require follow-up.
Set a comfortable environment
Arrange a distraction-free setting where everyone involved will feel comfortable to keep the conversation open and focused. Consider inviting other people who may play a relevant role in decision-making, such as siblings.
Holding the conversation
These practical steps lay the groundwork for a thoughtful and productive conversation. Now that you’ve done so, here are some tips for holding the conversation.
Initiating and navigating the conversation with care
Initiating a discussion with your parent about final wishes may feel daunting, but with a well-planned and thoughtful approach, it can become a memorable moment of connection and shared understanding.
Express genuine care
Open the conversation with warmth and reassurance by saying something heartfelt such as “I’ve been thinking about how much I love and appreciate you, and I want to make sure I understand your wishes for the future.”
Recognizing when to pause
Thinking about your own mortality is not an easy thing to do. If it seems like the conversation has become overwhelming for your parent, it’s OK to pause. Acknowledge how they feel and remind them there’s no rush by saying something like “We can take a break and revisit this later on.”
Offer your support and understanding so that they don’t feel pressured to discuss this topic if they aren’t ready. You can offer to circle back to the conversation at another time when they’re more comfortable and have had more time to think about it.
Key information to gather from your parent
The goal of engaging in this dialogue is to better understand your parent’s final wishes, define the details, and ensure alignment with plans in a way they feel best honors their life and memory.
Here are key topics to cover and some tips for how to gather this information thoughtfully.
Funeral or memorial service preferences
- Ask about the type of funeral or memorial service they envision. Would they prefer a traditional ceremony or a religious service? Would they prefer an intimate gathering or a more casual celebration of life?
- Encourage them to share any preferred funeral homes or locations for their service.
- Have gentle prompts prepared to guide the conversation, such as “Have you ever thought about what kind of service you’d like?”
Burial or cremation choices
- Talk with them about thoughts on burial versus cremation. Having a clear understanding of their preferences can prevent uncertainties and stress later on.
- Ask about any specific details they have in mind for a final resting place, such as a preferred cemetery or express wishes for handling their ashes.
Incorporating traditions and rituals
- Inquire about any particular traditions or cultural rituals your parent would like included in their service.
- Work together to create a list of any songs, readings, photos, or personal touches they’d like included as part of the ceremony.
- Ask for their input on the event that follows the burial, service, or casting ceremony, such as a meal, visitations, or a celebration of life.
- Pose a question like: “Are there any special moments or traditions from other services that you’d like to incorporate?”
Financial considerations
- Discussing financial arrangements may feel uncomfortable, but it’s a critical step in accommodating your parent’s final wishes.
- Start the conversation about preferences or any prearranged plans they have regarding the financial aspects of their arrangements. Sometimes, it can be helpful to acknowledge that it can feel uncomfortable to discuss monetary details but that by understanding them, you can uphold their final wishes.
- Ask whether they have set aside funds or taken out a final expense insurance policy to cover these expenses. Check whether they have prepaid for any arrangements or have reserved family burial plots.
- If there have been any prepaid arrangements, policies, or family burial plots, make sure to obtain all the relevant paperwork and documentation.
Remember to approach each topic with sensitivity, patience, and an open heart.
The final wishes conversation is an expression of love
By navigating these discussions with sensitivity and attentiveness to your parent’s needs, your parent can feel comfortable and respected in sharing their final wishes. Remember to come from a place of nonjudgment and active listening.
Discussing final wishes with compassion and respect will create an opportunity for you to honor your parent’s life journey. With open and empathetic communication, you can ensure that everyone feels heard and understood.
When the time comes for you to follow through with what you learn during these conversations, you can be confident that you are demonstrating your love and respect by delivering the final wishes of your parent. Though final wishes conversations are not easy to have, there will come a time when you’ll be glad you did.
