When a spouse moves into a nursing home, they require a high level of care. That alone is stressful, but the changes a nursing home placement brings are considerable. You are living alone now without your spouse and may worry about what the future holds. If you were your spouse’s caregiver before placement, the nature of your relationship likely had already changed. Increased dependency and a change in roles can lead to stress, conflict, and confusion about the changes in your relationship. A move to a nursing home can provide some relief and a chance to reset your relationship despite new challenges. We have some tips to strengthen your relationship and stay connected with your spouse in a nursing home.
Visit often
This suggestion may seem obvious, but frequent visits will have a twofold effect: They will give you time to connect with your spouse and assess any care problems. When appropriate, bring other family members and friends, but make sure you have alone time together as well. Ask your spouse how you can improve their comfort by personalizing their room. Having personal items in a room can be more conducive to connection.
Share meals with your spouse
Share meals with your spouse in the dining room or their room when possible. You can bring home-cooked meals or takeout for variety from the facility’s meal programming. If your spouse can leave the nursing home, take them to a restaurant. Going to a restaurant may involve using a wheelchair, so ensure that you feel confident and safe taking your spouse out of the nursing home. Joining your spouse during meal times can also improve their appetite, which will help them receive the nutrition they need and benefit their overall well-being.
Consider topics of conversation before visits
In a nursing home, it is easy to slip into conversations about care needs and health concerns, which can be valuable and necessary, but be prepared with other topics. Perhaps your spouse wants updates on family or news events, or maybe you can discuss television shows or books you both enjoy. If your spouse has dementia or another form of cognitive decline, talk with the activities director about ways to engage and appropriate conversation topics.
Celebrate special occasions
Special occasions such as birthdays and holidays can be lonely in a nursing home. If your spouse can’t leave to attend family gatherings, celebrate with them in the nursing home. You can bring other family members to the nursing home and request a separate room (sometimes available in certain facilities) for a private gathering. Consider bringing decorations, gifts, and food items to help brighten the celebration.
Use physical touch
Intimacy in a nursing home is challenging, and physical or cognitive decline may have significantly impacted the desire and ability to have intimacy. Still, physical touch is an important aspect of closeness. Consider holding hands, hugging, massage, and kissing. Simple gestures of intimacy can strengthen your bond with your spouse.
Engage in activities together
You can attend group activities together at the nursing home, such as musical programs or lectures. Group activities provide entertainment and an opportunity to connect with other residents, which can benefit your spouse in the long run and help them feel less isolated when you cannot be there. You can also consider playing games, doing puzzles, or watching movies in your spouse’s room. Activities encourage laughter, improve mood, and promote conversation and connection.
Share feelings
Sharing feelings is a significant part of fostering and maintaining a connection with your spouse. Frustrations, fears, and anxiety can interfere with your ability to connect as a couple. It is important to listen and validate these feelings and advocate if necessary to resolve any problems. If you feel that you need to talk with someone about your spouse being in a nursing home, don’t hesitate to reach out to friends and family or even mental health professionals to express and work through your feelings.
Bring or send care packages
Nursing home life can be tedious, and your spouse may long for the pleasures of being at home. Bring small gifts or reminders of home, such as photos, books, music, a bedspread, a favorite lotion, or aftershave. Ask your spouse about any particular items that might help them feel more comfortable. Doing so shows you care.
Remain involved in care decisions
Your spouse may have limited ability to participate in care decisions. It is challenging to keep track of care providers and see the big picture. Your involvement in care plan meetings and communication with daily providers can give your spouse confidence and reassurance that you are taking care of them while ensuring they receive the care they need.
Long-distance connection
Sometimes, it isn’t possible to visit often due to distance or time, but there are ways to stay connected. Consider using technology to stay connected and ask the nursing home staff if they can assist your spouse in accessing any devices they aren’t familiar with. An iPad or smartphone can be a great way to stay in touch virtually. If you have children or grandchildren, encourage them to call and stay connected. They may need some prodding but will likely respond positively.
Connecting with your spouse in a nursing home
Nursing home placement is a significant event that can cause upheaval, uncertainty, and fear about the future. The events that preceded placement likely added stress to your relationship and possibly changed it. However, with a commitment to doing what you can to connect with your spouse and accept where you are now, you may become closer than ever before.
