You have come to the conclusion that moving to senior living is the best option for your loved one, and you are confident they will receive the support they need to stay healthy and active. You also know that the move to senior living will reduce your stress and exhaustion. However, you still feel guilty for moving your loved one to senior living. It’s very common for adult children and spouses of seniors to feel guilt when someone moves to a senior living or long-term care community. It’s not as common, however, to talk about caregiver guilt and shame with others, which leaves many family caregivers feeling isolated, sorting out their emotions alone.
Here’s what you need to know to understand and cope with your feelings so that you and your loved one can get the most from their new senior living situation.
Feelings of caregiver guilt and shame
If you’re a family caregiver, whether an adult child of a senior loved one or a spouse of a struggling senior, you likely aren’t new to feelings of guilt. The Family Caregiver Alliance covers this common feeling when discussing caregiving’s emotional side. According to them, caregiver guilt can begin long before senior living comes into the picture. Caregiver guilt can occur when the family caregiver is impatient with their older loved one or when they feel they aren’t doing enough to support them. They may feel guilty for taking time for themselves because they think of all the responsibilities they must fulfill as a caregiver. Guilt can lead to feelings of resentment, shame, depression, anxiety, and even anger.
If your loved one needs increased support or if your mental or physical health is suffering, a senior living community might be the best solution for everyone. However, it’s common to feel added guilt when deciding to move your loved one to senior living because you may think you are not doing enough to support them. Guilt can also arise when you think about moving your loved one out of their home when they have expressed a desire to stay there as long as possible.
In many cases, those feelings of guilt and shame are a side effect of what is really going on: grief. A move to a senior living community and out of the family home is a significant transition not only for the senior but for their loved ones. It is common to grieve the loss of a family home and familiarity as well as your loved one’s health and independence. Grief is an entirely normal reaction to major life changes. Recognize this and be kind to yourself as you work through the transition.
Put feelings aside to make confident decisions about senior living
These feelings of guilt and grief can cause family caregivers to postpone bringing up senior living. Unfortunately, postponing the conversation can lead to a situation in which you have to make a decision in a crisis instead of with careful, thoughtful planning as a family.
For example, if you put off having a conversation about senior living with your dad for too long, he might end up falling while at home and have to go to the hospital for a broken bone or a concussion, with discharge planners recommending that he not return home and instead go to a skilled nursing facility. You might only have a few days before his discharge to select a community and get him settled in. This is not ideal.
Instead, by putting your guilt aside and bringing up senior living, no matter how awkward you might initially feel, you’ll have more time for honest conversations with your loved one about their care needs. You can candidly discuss the benefits of assisted living and nursing homes and involve them in the touring and selection process. You can empower your loved one to participate in the decision-making process and work as a family to get finances in order.
If you find that your guilt and grief are holding you back from bringing up senior living or advocating for your own physical or mental health, consider meeting with a therapist. Psychotherapy or talk therapy, when facilitated by a counselor experienced with family caregiving, can give you space to talk through your challenges, role-play conversations with your loved one, and learn new coping skills that will keep you as healthy as possible.
Coping with caregiver guilt during the move to senior living
Once you have decided that senior living is the right solution, it’s important to anticipate that those feelings of guilt and grief might grow throughout the moving preparation. Ask your loved ones and friends for support so that you can get the breaks you need. For example, perhaps your sister can coordinate packing up the house or your neighbor can pick up your kids from school. When asking for help, be specific with the tasks you need people to do.
In addition, try these tips to help manage your mental health in the time leading up to the move and after the transition:
- • Journal daily. Get your feelings out and on paper, or jot down things you are thankful for in this season of transition.
- • Create happy memories and moments with your loved one. Don’t talk about the move or other caregiver responsibilities. Get ice cream together or sit on the porch with cups of coffee.
- • Create a photo album or piece of art with your loved one that they can display in their new home.
- • Communicate with the new senior living community staff members to keep up with how your loved one is doing. Remember, you don’t have to be the sole caregiver any longer. Take a deep breath and allow the team there to do their job so that you can return to your role as a child or spouse.
- • Continue to see your therapist to unpack feelings of grief and guilt.
- • Focus on the positives: Your loved one is safe and cared for, and you’ll have more time to care for your own needs. Also, in no longer providing care for your loved one, you can focus on your relationship and spending quality time together.
- • Perhaps most important, challenge yourself to look for the peaceful moments of each day. Soon, you’ll find that you are feeling calmer and can be a better loved one to those around you now that you don’t have to worry about family caregiving duties around the clock.
As with any transition, you and your loved one need time to adjust. Caregiver guilt and grief over moving a loved one into senior living are normal. Give yourself grace, and remind yourself that grief is not something that goes away but that you learn to incorporate into the tapestry of your life. Sending you peace as you work through it.
